A Dedication

Falling Stars

2006-07-20T13:27:00.001+08:00

Seems like this train's moving oh so slow
Or maybe I'm just in a hurry
For hours I've sat in this chair alone
My eyes like the weather are blurry
And I thought all the way about the things we had done
I hope I can help you remember
That night after night when the sun had gone
We sat on the beaches, counting the falling stars, stars
Counting the falling stars.

The rain and the cold must be hard for you
There's nothing here I would have traded
And all of these things we were going through
Would now all be gone if you'd waited
So most often I think about the times in the past
I hope I can help you remember
That night after night when the sun had gone
We sat on the beaches, counting the falling stars, stars
Falling stars,
Counting the falling stars.

So long my friends

F is For

2006-07-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

F is for Friday.
F is for Freedom Friday.
F is for Fly this Freedom Friday.
F is for Finish.

I'm glad it is finally over. These 12 weeks.
Do you hear my sigh of relief?
The department gave us a good farewell. I appreciate it. It means a lot. I know of all the mean things I've said (they still stay but thank you nonetheless).

Thank you for the farewell lunch. The goodie bag. The hugs you allowed me to give most of you (though not a baby-due-anytime-now Sulin). The strawberry shortcake pen. The correction fluid. The pencil case. The textbook.
Thank you for the times spent together.

Though in the near future I could be heading back to the department, I am thankful that my time at the department has finally come to an end. Yes, they will miss me (o.O) and my playfulness, but if anyone of you (at the department) were to read this....know that you can still call me to ask for my assistance.
I would be most willing to. Really.

Now, for a much awaited break.

F is for Farewell.

Sweetness

2006-07-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

How did things all just fall apart?

It has been a very long while now since everything happened.......I don't know how it did - but perhaps I just don't have enough guts to just ask one of you about what happened and why it is still happening, yet it's not as if I don't know what's going on.

I don't hold it against anyone - and somehow I am to blame for not being your pillar of strength.

It's been so long since I actually thought about it - and I'm ashamed to even say this. I guess there's just this stigma to talk like we used to, laugh like we did or even sit down somewhere as always. Somehow what Amos said over dinner yesterday meant so much. About giving up Sunday tuition because the money earned couldn't buy fellowship.

I failed as a friend. I failed even as someone we grew up together with collectively.

this photo isn't about me - its about all of you

Because each time, you make me smile.

My Last Days

2006-07-02T18:57:00.000+08:00

You all don't know how much I can't contain my excitement.
Maybe for many of you, you feel the same way.
And unfortunately for some, the contrary.

It has been a long 12 weeks of cheap labour, sweat, loss and more so.........wasted time. And this endeavour has eventually made me think twice or more on issues concerning my future. Particularly my career.
True, this sector is becoming saturated. Like how many dietiticians can a hospital have? And nutritionists......there aren't many. Or whatever fanciful names you can come up with. Maybe something like "Food Nutrition Specialist", "Diet Planner", "Mighty Dietary Ranger", "Associate Dietary Consultant". It don't matter.
I want to be happy where I am, happy with what I'm doing.

And then Major Project. I don't want to go back to that dreadful place. So I really hope that there is, like they say, 'A light at the end of the tunnel'. A good title. A good location. Good teammates. Excellent grades.
I won't take my chances this time.
I want to be very clear. Precise. Confident.

My mother always says, "It doesn't matter what you do. Just make sure it's decent. You enjoy what you're doing. And more importantly. Love it."
This has stuck with me for as long as I can remember. And I couldn't agree with her more.
Why?
Because my mother loves her work. She has been drafting buildings for the past 2 decades. I can name you Raffles Hotel. Amara Hotel. Khong Guan Biscuit Factory. And however small the project. She does it, with love. With passion.
I must admit I am proud of her. And I want to be like her.

So I learn to love what I am doing. But then do I enjoy it? Where is my passion?
Many times I ask myself, "Do you still want to pursue your passion for teaching?"

To Sir with Love

2006-06-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or toussle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."

Life ends. Love doesn't

"I never want anyone else," she said quietly.
"I know." he said.

Toilet Paper Is For.....

2006-06-27T21:03:00.000+08:00

Waking up

2006-06-25T19:54:00.000+08:00

It wasn't like any cold Sunday morning. It wasn't the same feeling I usually got on Sunday mornings. Everything seemed bright and cheery. But i'm so wrong.
I didn't hear your laughter. Where were you? Why hadn't I noticed your absence?
Why is it that most times I'm one that is slow to hear, and practically oblivious to most news that are important to me?
Why hadn't I noticed your absence?
When she cried, why didn't I feel the slightest regret? And why do I come to know of things only much later?
I will really miss you. We grew up together in Church, attended Bible class together, all those years of fellowship and friendship, and really just hearing your infectious laughter.
I will miss singing Alto with you. My voice is more solid with your presence.

Words can never really dictate my feelings, my thoughts.
But do come back soon.
We all miss you.

Cold

2006-06-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

So you're back but I think to myself. Do I really need you around? I like it when it's cold. I like it when I come home and I do my own chores. I like it when I have no one to talk to. Because most times, I shut up and don't talk much. Or I space out and live in a world of my own.
I like it when its just the four walls and me. I'm not so lonely after all. Just tired. Just sick. Sick of you.
You come back, and I have so many things to say to you. I do. But you shut me up and that hostility just kills me inside. You say stuff like, "I'm tired and you haven't stopped talking since.", "When you talk, I need to respond, but I don't wish to".
And other times when I am tired? You talk to me, I don't respond and you lash out at me. I'd love to bite back but I know we'd end up in a quarrel. So I just suck it all up and do what I always do best........walk away.
Its silly how I thought I could alleviate your load by doing the laundry while you were away, keeping the house in order, doing my chores, settling my own meals, keep everything in order so you enjoy and not worry.
Then everything crumbled when you came home, and it was just so cold, so messy. How I realised I am that expendable afterall. I can never make any difference no matter how hard I try.
The walls of my house; the cadavers of my home. They silence my cries but hear the songs that loneliness sings. And they understand me so much more.

I wanted to tell you how much I missed you. Somehow, it doesn't really matter anymore.

Waging Wars on Myself

2006-06-21T23:38:00.000+08:00

I can't wait to run away from the place.
But it's sad I'll be going back after that long run which I will take.
You tell me, "You must learn something from your time here.",
But my thoughts read, "Fuck You Bitch".
In a sick way I want to thank you for wasting my time.
I'll be sober after these 3 months.
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
There's a nervous bleeding in my brain,
I want to wash my hands clean.

I hate your pretence.
I hate you not being there.
I hate the smell of the damp room.
I hate you because you always smell so bad.
Stop swinging you.

Yesterday Want More

2006-06-17T14:09:00.000+08:00

Never Grow Up

Surreal

2006-06-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

"Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like its been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home....."

It was one of my many dreams in reality. I'd finally gotten to speak with you again. The feeling was so surreal......and know that after all these while, I haven't given us up. I haven't. 2 more years? You'll be back home soon. I'm sure.

I understand why you have to always be gone. Thinking of you makes me not feel so alone.

Khoon Chala

2006-06-11T21:37:00.000+08:00

Ever listened to a song of late, and it just gives you the goosebumps?
Even if you don't understand the song, the chords just strike like God would lightning?
The song doesn't make much sense it being in a foreign language but you just can't help humming the tune?
It annoys everyone around you but you feel so much just listening to the haunting vocals of the author?
The song just grows on you with every line, and your blood creeps forward.
Unobtrusive. Subtle. Beautiful.

I still love Hindi.
If you don't know me well enough, you won't know that my favourite pastime on a Saturday afternoon would be to tune in and sit through a Hindi Movie.
I love those heart-thumping beats to those dances.
Maybe you'll catch me tapping my feet, but I won't burst into a violent shake-ma-ass thing.
Then again, maybe you would. Since erhem...Sec 3 Thailand....the boat.....okay, nuff' said.
To those who know, good for you, win la.

Super-Size Me

2006-06-08T09:37:00.000+08:00

Ya know, I've been having a couple of really bad fast food the past month or so.
2 weeks ago, it was the worst ever Burger King I've been to. Ah huh, my coke tasted like barley and rach's like cough mixture. The fries was like...erm.....cold potato sticks. And my mushroom swiss looked damn crumbly. I was telling rach how the burger looked so different from the image on the paper. And then I was joking how they should put a little word of caution "Actual Burgers may not look as delicious and tempting". The lettuce on the image looked so green and crisp, while the ones I usually get are like itsy-bitsy parts of the lettuce which looked like they had been put through a paper shredder 10 times. Then there was Long John's. The 2 pc chicken was like uhmm......the length of my middle finger, slightly longer though. but kudos to good service. the bung was damn cheerful, and kept insisting on upsize and add-on sides.
And yesterday when I met Ray at Yishun Macs......KNNCCBWTH......just what is it with fast food la.....
Okay, trans fat.
Shut up Jasmine

But again, they just made it with good service with the ever-smiling bung, with a funny name. Ivan You (o.O)

I Miss You

2006-06-04T22:59:00.000+08:00

I remember how 1 year ago, you celebrated my birthday this very day.
Yes, on the 4th of June.
How very 'sweet'.
You bought me that soft teddy, wrote me a card, and this huge chocolate cake I had a finger lick of. In the end, I ran with it, and it got all smashed up but I still ate it up.
I still keep the box ya know?

I long for the times when we hit all the arcade games in Cine, and I just got hooked on you.
I remember how we walked from Orchard to Little India, and stopped along the way to play LAN at the building ajacent to Paradiz Centre. How embarrasing it was when I didn't know what keys to press to play Warcraft. In the end, we played Counterstrike because it was just so much easier.

How you said you wanted to take me to eat nepalese cuisine but it was too late for me, and I had to go home? How you said next time but you had to leave soon after?
Hey, when's your next time? Will you come back soon?

When I silently cried on the bus that night, I prayed that God will bring you safely home one day. And then we'd listen to the songs on your MP3 player again. '
Or will you never be coming back?

I fear for things to come. I fear to start anew.
I just want things to be like the way before.

Do you hear me now?

In a White Sea of Eyes

2006-06-04T19:22:00.000+08:00

"I don't get many things right the first time.
In fact, I'm told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns,
the stumbles and falls brought me here."
- Ben Folds

Everybody Knows It Sucks To Grow Up

Your Sweet Hour of Prayer

2006-06-03T17:22:00.000+08:00

In my nights I cry
Dear Lord help me survive
On bended knees I come
"Just what to do with my life"

Know that I need you
Know that you're right
Pardon my wicked thoughts alright
I live to tell the truth
of these demons and these lies

Hold my hand knot yours in mine
keep my fists clasp so tight
To say this hour of prayr'
To plead with you this night.

Know that I need you
Know that you're right
Pardon my wicked thoughts alright
I live to tell the truth
of these demons and these lies.....

written Jas - 03/02/06

Nostalgia

2006-06-02T13:02:00.000+08:00

Each time I take the train home from work (Buona Vista), I'd past by RedHill to get on the North-South Line home.
And each time, I just wished I was much younger. Better still in the years before 2000.
The old buildings are no longer where they used to be. And where grandma's flat used to stand is now a large land of grass.
The merry-go round and sandy playground are now just pieces of my memory.
I miss the times when the estate was still around. How we'd visit grandma each time, slept over, and just had a lot of fun and spanking.
I miss her old, springy, cranky bed. The altar in the living room, the granite tiled kitchen floor, the toilets with their metal doors, and those huge toilet slippers I'd like to slip my feet into.
I miss it when I was probably 7 or 8, a certain school holiday, the rain flooded the estate. So my brothers, cousins and I folded paper boats, brought them to ground floor (where the water was at knee level of the drenched ahpeks walking home), and watched them float away from the top floor.
I miss the stupid see-saw which my younger brother always liked to do mischeivous acts of leaving me on the top, and then getting off, having me to scream and come down hard on my buttocks. And then I'd hit him, and grandma will give us both a good spanking.
I miss the provision shop a few blocks away from grandma's. The barber she would take my brothers to, and I'd just smell the hair, or pester her for a ride on the 20c horse.
I miss the bakery. How my auntie will make me run errands to get loaves of kaya bread, and I go there and I just want to buy everything on the shelves. Especially the sugar donuts.
I miss the coffeeshop because they sold such delicious crabs, and each time I ate them, I'd get diarrhea. I don't mind the diarrhea now, I just want that good taste of crab.
I miss grandma's house because no matter how small it was, all 3 generations could fit in, and it was just pure warmth.
I miss the people, most of which I guess have long passed away. I miss how everyone knew everyone, which made the estate seem like one big happy family.
I miss listening to everyday cantonese ching-chang-chong.
I miss the old wooden cabinets in her kitchen.
I miss running my feet on the paddle of her old sewing machine.
I miss fat-assed me running around in my underwear.

Each time I take the train home from work (Buona Vista), I'd past by RedHill to get on the North-South Line home.
And each time I can only trace the steps I used to take. Picture the estate. And run my finger on the MRT train door, and think it like I used to say, "Hey, that's grandma's house."
And each time, I just wished I was much younger.

Learning To Breathe

2006-05-30T19:13:00.000+08:00

Silently you creep into my wicked mind.
Poison all I have, all that's mine.
You know I need this time to rest.
But the load you lay is heavy on my chest.
I want to run away from here,
free from the evil I hear.

written - Jas 30/05/06

I need to tell you I need you.
I want you to know how awful I feel everyday the way I miss you.
The way I think about you.
Just when can I tell you I never meant to hurt you.
Strange personality.
Strange hair.
Strange conversations.
I can't help it.
I need you.

Food Frenzy

2006-05-28T17:08:00.000+08:00

You know, I kinda like my food safety group. Initially, my bad, I though it was going to suck pretty bad with SIP and all (but no project member could be any worst than a particular soul from NLS).

Yesterday afternoon, we were already 90% done. Save for blur blur may who was very very lost, so she gave herself till last midnight to finish her part of the review.
Very blur May.

This time, nothing was last minute (like a day before submission nothing done kinda thing). We split the work up eons ago. And just wrote our parts of the review for the project. Finalised everything yestermorning, and it seems we're all jet-set and ready for me to put it into the digital drop box tonight.
May I believe is still very blur.

I take no offence against you. You do your work. You contribute. But you are very blur May. Sometimes, I'm very very amused. If you read this, I honestly want you to know when you were like "I just woke up. So what research do we have to do now? What work is there to be done?", and the rest of us had already done our research and written our reviews, I was laughing my heads off, I nearly had cramps. Because I know May, you are very blur. It is okay.

I'm very proud of this group. Very automatic. Very fast-moving. Very very good.
Now, package 2.
Soon okay?!

First Date

2006-05-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

In the car, I just can't wait...
To see you soon on our very first date
Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?
Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?
I'm just scared of what you think.
You make me nervous so I really can't eat

Lets go... don't wait... this nights almost over
Honest... lets make... this night last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please dont look at me with those eyes
Please dont hint that your capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that I'm probably gunna miss

Lets go... don't wait... this nights almost over
Honest... lets make... this night last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever

Lets go... don't wait... this nights almost over
Honest... lets make... this night last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever

Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever
Forever, and ever... lets make this last forever

Soccer Maniac

2006-05-18T19:14:00.000+08:00

If you know me well enough, you'd notice that I hate to have any form of light and sound when I'm about to sleep, am sleeping, or fast asleep.
Lights and sounds include anything from glow-in-the-darks, table lamps, flourescent lights, handphone alarms, door slamming, fidgeting, singing (I'm not going to say who), computer gaming with loud boom-booms, talking, screaming, arguing, TELEVISION.

The list goes on but you get the drift. Sometimes I also get the occasional hairy feet in face.

So it was like this, Ben took the sofa last night (^$!&#), I took the floor. Okay never mind, I'll just feel uncomfortable for a night.
But some nimwit had to watch soccer in the wee hours of the morning.
Blinding light from the soccer match on the TELEVISION.
Blast the TELEVISION.
And had it like the commentator was screaming in my ear, "He's dribbled past the defender. Good control there. Its a GOALLLLLLL!!!!!!"

It should instead have gone like this, "She's making a left, a right, good fidgeting there. OH!!!!!! She's slapped the nimwit in the face!!!!!"

I will get you, whoever you are.

I am so thankful I do not have SCV. If I did, I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink throughout the World Cup tournaments.

Now, they don't show World Cup on Channel 5 do they?

Strange Things

2006-05-13T14:45:00.000+08:00

And when we're all old and grey

They laugh at your jokes,
You think you're doing quite well
But you're in danger, boy
You end up alone, forgotten, way up on the shelf
No.
You're there. There for me. And I for you.

Safer on the Outside

2006-05-10T21:08:00.000+08:00

And its time I said, "I Promise you, I'll be Okay"

I gave my time and lost it all,
now remember I will never fall.
I mended the pieces and wrote them down,
at the subway hiding my frown.
Know that I love you,
and I mean you all.

-written Jas 10/05/06

And I Love You Both

2006-05-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

Why is it the both of you are similar in so many ways?
Why is it I can't get you out of my head?
And why so when you've already been gone so long?
Why is it the both of you write with the left?
Why is it the both of you make me laugh so hard?
Why do I try not to think of you, and then your good friend pops outta nowhere and I'm reminded of those nights before you left?
Why is it I wait for your message and then someone else makes a long-distance call in like forever?
Why is it I try not to get myself into anything serious?
And why so does my friend say to do otherwise to get over you?
Why is it I'm this torn apart?
WHY?!

I am Hot

2006-04-30T18:22:00.000+08:00

I came down with a fever last evening. I felt really awful when I was at Jacq's place. Everyone was asking me why I looked so horrible. I couldn't help it, though I thought I looked alright.
So much for being unwell, Ben was up to his usual sick humour.
Here it is.
Me: Could you pass me the drink please?
Ben: *Gives the why-should-I expression*
Me: Pleaseeeeee. I'm sick (Sikh)
Ben: No, you're Chinese

I felt like a blended mix of nauseous, queasy, headache, hot and cold. And dearest mother didn't believe me till my temperature rocketed from 37.2 to 38.1 in less than an hour.
I'm better already, or so I think.

If sleeping the Sunday in and pill popping hasn't eased the discomfort, then I wouldn't know what to do.
This Sunday felt very different. I didn't attend worship service. It has been a long while since I missed Sunday worship. I remember the last time I was absent was thanks to Guides-Scouts SHADOW camp in 2001.
It. is. not. okay. to. miss. sunday. school.

I want to be at Mini Olympics tomorrow.
I NEED TO BE WELL!

FHA 2006

2006-04-28T20:18:00.000+08:00

And so, I was at Food Hotel Asia 2006 this afternoon.
It was awesome.
I sampled quite a bit of food. Brought home some awfully good-looking chocolates. A packet of seaweed. Lots of brochures. And the freaking mineral water everyone else was grabbing.
1.25L. What was I thinking?!
Rach had 1 too. So the both of us were lugging the huge bottle around, and complaining.

And the stupid camera died on me when I was barely 5 minutes into all those gorgeous-looking equipments, delicious food, sexay carvings (I was so tempted to have a lick).
%$#&*

And it's very wrong to host such events in Singapore. You'd see all the Kiasu Singaporeans rushing for FREE samples like they've never seen food in their life.
I.am. embarrassed.

My appetite for food has always been bigger than my waistline.

"Mr Cisco, return me my pizzas. If not I'll play sisqo and rob you of your thong."

Thank God It's Going To Be Friday

2006-04-27T21:49:00.000+08:00

TGIGTBF.

Yeah, its a Thursday night, and I'm really excited about tomorrow.
Firstly, it's going to be a Friday. That means no work for Saturday, Sunday and MONDAY.
This is the 1st time in the whole week I'm actually so hyped up about something.
Secondly, Ima going to the Hotel Food Asia thingamajig. Ahaha....
There's was so much talk about it. I heard so much about it. And so I casually brought up the event over lunch with the BOSS today. And to much delight, she said we could all go tomorrow 'cause she had complimentary tickets. Good thing I asked ah, if not Rach and I would be moping around. And also heng heng the BOSS managed to get 2 more tickets so that 4 of us can all go together.

Heh heh.....don't envy me.

Oh crap, so this is the last week of April. Soon comes May.
Please, let it be July.

Sexay

2006-04-25T20:37:00.000+08:00

ADAM! YOU LOOK REALLY HOT WITH THE HAIRCUT.
I WANNA PINCH YOUR CHEEKS AND PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR.

You look really good now. This new haircut beats the mop-look la.
You look so Secondary school now. Really.
I felt like it was 2003.
I miss 2003.

And I had to be in that outfit because I'm working. Just like you had to have the haircut because you're working!
And please la, I don't look like a doctor.
Doctors carry their stethoscopes everywhere they go. And I didn't have one.
Seriously, even when they're having lunch its like around their neck.
I don't understand why.

What I Do

2006-04-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

Every morning, I wake at 6.30.
Shower.
Get dressed.
Put make-up on.
Comb my hair.
Spray on some perfume.
Check myself in the mirror.
Grab my keys.
Grab my breakfast.
Leave the house.
Walk down, to the station.
Take the train to buona vista.
Wait for Rach.
Get on the bus.
Reach department.
Walk around.
Tear papers.
Look for some files.
Update infant formula info.
Walk around.
Look at the clock.
Sit around.
Solitaire.
Sit around.
Space out.

I am adapting to this mundane routine.

Sigh.

You wished you were me. I wished I were you.

So I come back.
I have dinner.
I think so hard of what to wear the next day.
I take a bath.
Watch some TV, come online.
Go to sleep.

And then the whole thing repeats.

And Jon, I ain't learning much, and I don't think I will if this continues.
Honestly, It'd be worse when students from Flinders University come over on the 16th next month.
We'd just sit around, wither away and die.
But it's good. I work in a hospital.
So much for morbidity.

By Special Request

2006-04-23T19:35:00.000+08:00

I really dread returning to work tomorrow.
I don't like it there.
I don't like what I have 'accomplished' the past week.
I don't like the environment (last Friday some dietician had Fish soup rice and didn't dispose of it properly, and then the whole room smelt so bad).
I don't like walking around in heels all day.
I don't like the lousy idea of sharing a laptop with Rach when both of us have to use it (freaking give us proper equipment la.....).
I don't like having to think so hard of what to wear the day after (like how much of formal wear do I have?!)
I don't like having to wake up so early in the morning and come home so late.
I don't like shredding up past patients' records EVERYDAY.
I don't like being given new shit work or 'Saigang' as they call it (many of which include looking for patients' files, tearing up sticky labels, piecing together some really messy data).
I don't like waiting for the freaking shuttle bus because it comes every 12 minutes or so, and then when you think its your turn, they say wait for the next one (and I'm 2 passengers away).
I don't like taking the freaking train every morning because OH MY GOOD SKY, it stinks of the morning body odour (like take a bath before you go to work, school or play la...)
I don't like it when the BOSS seems to be so weary of our presence. Like we'd take our the data and sell it to some hospital elsewhere. I know privacy matters alot to you but don't be so kanasai.
I don't like it when at the end of the day I have to fill up the column 'Tasks assigned' because there really isn't much to write about.
I don't like it when its almost the end of Sunday and I have to show my log book to the BOSS tomorrow, with a lengthy reflection which I haven't begun on.
I don't like it when my BOSS goes all crappy and you can hear her weird laughter from miles away.
I don't like the freezing temperature in the department. If I shiver anymore from all the cold, I'd just lose all my fats and disappear.
Its a small wonder why its called DIEtetics.

I. don't. like. it. there.

I'd like very much to be in school. Listening to some lecturer whether I like it or not. Much much better compared to the deafening silence in the pantry when we work in. How sad eh?
I'd like very much to be walking around the school whenever I want to, and not be restrained to a small area in the department.
I'd like very much to be with my classmates in some tutorial or lab and then just crap about anything and everything. Fiddle with the equipments *winks at Irfan*
I'd like very much the school hours - going home whenever you want to, attending lectures whenever you want to.....

I'd like very much the freedom of a hardcore student.

Not some student put on crappy work attachment for a 'good' 3 months.

I'd like very much to be with the 3 of you.
Yes, enough said. I miss school. I miss the good friends. I miss the air.

2006-04-17T19:52:00.001+08:00

So today was my 1st day on the job.
It was awfully boring. But how much can I expect from my 1st day rite.....?
Even the BOSS and this really cute 'auntie' said the 1st day would always be this way.

So we had an orientation. And then we sat in this talk both Rach and I were totally lost in.
But we had free CHICKEN PIES for lunch. So delicious only....
So Rachel and I started ripping apart past patients' records because of the confidentiality thingamajig.
And when we were almost done. Ms Lin (my BOSS) came in and said, "Hey, why didn't Margaret let you all use the paper shredder?" I was like thinking, "DAMN, that would have been so much much more fun." Since I havent operated 1 of these macromachines, I would have loved to.
We were wasting time. Like seriously. It could not have gotten any worse. It was good though. We were reading all the records and like freaking out at weird stuff (I'm so sorry I can't let out whatever I ripped and read out) but it was really disturbing.
So our dear BOSS was so kind after hearing where we stayed.
She was like, "So far?! 1 and a half hours? Okay, like this, tomorrow you all come at 9"
I was like, "SERIOUSLY?!!!!!!!!!!"
"Yah! Seriously. Come at 9."
"Heh.....but like we were initially supposed to start at 8.30am"
"Haiyah, then you all come at 8.45 la" Thanks ah. Made us feel less guilty. hahahaha......

And on our 1st day, we already had so much stuff to fill in for our log books. Our reports' are going to max out.
Oh well, I hope your day was great. Tomorrow, nutrient analysis I come.
You guys take care at work. At school. At play. At home.

Oh, Jon, COCKSTER la you...... =p

Motivation for Getting Up Earliest in the Morning

2006-04-17T19:52:00.000+08:00

So today was my 1st day on the job.
It was awfully boring. But how much can I expect from my 1st day rite.....?
Even the BOSS and this really cute 'auntie' said the 1st day would always be this way.

So we had an orientation. And then we sat in this talk both Rach and I were totally lost in. But we had free CHICKEN PIES for lunch. So delicious only....
So Rachel and I started ripping apart past patients' records because of the confidentiality thingamajig. And when we were almost done. Ms Lin (my BOSS) came in and said, "Hey, why didn't Margaret let you all use the paper shredder?" I was like thinking, "DAMN, that would have been so much much more fun." Since I havent operated 1 of these macromachines.
We were wasting time. Like seriously. It could not have gotten any worse.
It was good though. We were reading all the records and like freaking out at weird stuff (I'm so sorry I can't let out whatever I ripped and read out) but it was really disturbing.

So our dear BOSS was so kind after hearing where we stayed. She was like, "So far?! 1 and a half hours? Okay, like this, tomorrow you all come at 9"
I was like, "SERIOUSLY?!!!!!!!!!!"
"Yah! Seriously. Come at 9."
"Heh.....but like we were initially supposed to start at 8.30am"
"Haiyah, then you all come at 8.45 la"
Thanks ah. Made us feel less guilty. hahahaha......

And on our 1st day, we already had so much stuff to fill in for our log books. Our reports' are going to max out.
Oh well, I hope your day was great. Tomorrow, nutrient analysis I come.
You guys take care at work. At school. At play. At home.

Oh, Jon, COCKSTER la you...... =p

Motivation for Getting Up in the Early Morning

2006-04-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

So this morning, I woke up.
Joined the cleaning crew at the church building, and we cleaned the whole place up.

You know, I was kinda disappointed.
A few days back, I was telling the family at the dinner table how I wished I could cut the grass.
And then they said, "We've already contracted somebody to cut the grass......".
So whatever la.
I ended up sweeping up the cut grass with the straw broom instead.
Well done ah.

And the No. 1 hot-spot(s) for lizard shit are the windows.
Uncle Tian Seng was like, "Hahahahaha.......so many lizard shit"
*To those who know how he laughs. You get me.

The church building's containers are kinda spooky too. They've got this eerie touch.
So if ever you need a site for some horror flick. You can try them.
Oh, and the area behind the kitchen.
GHOSTBUSTERSKENASAI only ah. No wonder after that I got shit-in-pants-stomachache la.

I enjoyed the cleaning but why can't I do the same for my own desk? Room? Chair?
I have no idea. Maybe you tell me why.

Student Internship Programme

2006-04-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

And so, its going to be 12 weeks from hell, starting Monday.
I have been posted to National University Hospital (NUH).
So stop asking me already lah, I'm tired of repeating myself.
And also, since I'll be working in the dietetics department. I won't be getting an allowance like most of you would.
So again, stop asking me how much I'll be given for my dutiful service.
And stop telling me how pathetic it is I won't be getting a pay; I really don't mind. Its the experience I need more.

I wish, to all of you out there who will be starting SIP this Monday, and to others in other Polytechnics who are currently working, the best.
It doesn't really matter where we are, what we do, why we have to accomodate to this miserable lifestyle of a student - but if you have to do it, give your best, so that you can get it right.

And on top of it all. Food Safety.
Damn. It.

E-learning

2006-04-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

So what does the E for E-learning stand for?
Easy? Experienced?

Hmph!

They should have like S-learning.
Shitty. Stupid. So complicating. So nonsensical. Stubborn.
Nice. Stubborn-learning. Because we all don't really want to use the annoying 'Blackboard', 'Blogger', 'Messenger' thing.
They made my worstestrous nightmare into something so real.
I really really hate doing projects online. And now, my goodness.
To those who feel my pain like I feel yours, my exact sympathies.
And all these on top of SIP.

I want to quit school.

My Last Days

2006-04-09T20:15:00.000+08:00

I'm going to miss:
1) Bumming around
2) Waking up whenever I want to
3) Eating lunch at 3 pm or later
4) Going out whenever and wherever I like
5) Late nights *winks at asmah*
6) Morning MSN chats with you
7) All whom I've spent this holidays with. Thank you. It was the best.
8) The 3 of you ( you know who you are), when we start SIP.
9) Myself. Because I would have to act cute la.
10) You. I miss you.

You know, this semester break has been the most enjoyable. Its the kind of break I never want to end. Its the kind I never complained of being extremely bored (although at times, yes, I was bored). Its the kind I dread going back to school.

Shiok only.

Okay, enough, I express my thoughts like I ain't going to have anymore semester breaks.

WOOHOO!!! Now i'm going to party my night away. See you all in the PC lab.

I. will. wake. up.

This Is New

2006-04-06T16:27:00.000+08:00

So I was having a conversation with Charlize. Well, it all started with her asking me about SIP shitnitz next week. And then it came to this:

Charlize. Got milk? says:
oh, by the way, are you straight?
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
my hair?
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
ahaha....
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
yes la
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
why leh?
Charlize. Got milk? says:
u look like a friend of mine who is not straight
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
heh....
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
so u tot i was not
Charlize. Got milk? says:
yea...
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
got like that ah!
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
that's new u know
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha
Charlize. Got milk? says:
duno leh, u kinda gave me the vibe like u are not mah...
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
my goodness
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
like wat man
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
the hair?
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
maybe its the clothes
Charlize. Got milk? says:
maybe
Charlize. Got milk? says:
haha
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
yah. maybe
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
i must clad myself in more sexy stuff
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahahaha
Charlize. Got milk? says:
and b more lady-like
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
yah
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
but then again. wat if i have char-bos coming after me as well
Charlize. Got milk? says:
did u?
Charlize. Got milk? says:
u kena picked up by girls before?
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
no. only the male gender
Charlize. Got milk? says:
haha
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
i was frm a mixed sch. so its hard to get picked up by girls
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
in fact. i never knew of any
Charlize. Got milk? says:
maybe cos u give ppl the impression of masculine
Charlize. Got milk? says:
v strong personality
Charlize. Got milk? says:
the way u carry yourself
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
ahaha
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
like tat more fun la
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
u noe, if u noe me a lot better. im like abit siao mad
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
so if 1 day i walk into sch. n im like stern. serious. i wear sexy clothes
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha...
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
my frens will be like. "tats so not her"
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha
Charlize. Got milk? says:
and u always wear the same skirt
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
MY FAVOURITE
Charlize. Got milk? says:
at first we still thought u might be tomboyish
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
i have other skirts but i like tat the most!
Charlize. Got milk? says:
then u always wear the demin skirt
Charlize. Got milk? says:
then a bit wrong
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
huh, i no understand
Charlize. Got milk? says:
but then, that skidt is knee length
Charlize. Got milk? says:
cos if u are tomboyish, u wont wear skirt what
Charlize. Got milk? says:
so we thought u are Andro
Charlize. Got milk? says:
andryo
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
why talk about me la
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
got sooo many other girls la
Charlize. Got milk? says:
cos u are SPECIAL
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha
Charlize. Got milk? says:
we, we only look at pretty girls ok!
Charlize. Got milk? says:
lol
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
alamak
Charlize. Got milk? says:
lol
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
i shldnt be made a topic for discussion
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
go to sch n study la....not look at me
Charlize. Got milk? says:
haha
Charlize. Got milk? says:
not really la...
Charlize. Got milk? says:
i notice u first
Charlize. Got milk? says:
then i ask fiona if she think u are straight
Charlize. Got milk? says:
cos i thought u are not
Charlize. Got milk? says:
then she say ya, u look a bit crook
Charlize. Got milk? says:
then she say u look like her friend, which i also know la, who is crook
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
okay, tats funny. go on
Charlize. Got milk? says:
and i thought u sounded like my girl-friend's gf
Charlize. Got milk? says:
so i was quite sure la...but then the fact tt u wear skirt always confuse me
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
so now u noe
Charlize. Got milk? says:
i have been wanting to ask for dan long alr
Charlize. Got milk? says:
damn*
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
u can make me a topic for discussion wif fiona again
Charlize. Got milk? says:
didnt really dare cos u might get offended
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
ahaha....im easy man
Charlize. Got milk? says:
u didnt get offended didnt u
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
nope!
Charlize. Got milk? says:
cos i hardly knw u what
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
im very ching cai
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
now u noe la
Charlize. Got milk? says:
yea, i do
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
u want to talk about the sky oso can...wat underwear i wear oso can. wat shampoo i use oso can. wat deodarant i use oso can
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahahaha
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
i must wear more sexy sexy la
Charlize. Got milk? says:
what abt what guy do u like
Charlize. Got milk? says:
more femine lah
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
sexy la
Charlize. Got milk? says:
and u can put aside the adidas jacket
Charlize. Got milk? says:
wear something tighter
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
but sooo comfortable
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
okay. sexy la!
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
alamak
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
wat guys do i like?
Charlize. Got milk? says:
attachment coming, u can go seduce ur boss
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahahah
I Love You; I'll Kill You says:
wat if my boss' female
Charlize. Got milk? says:
haha...then be yourself girl
Charlize. Got milk? says:
hahaha
Charlize. Got milk? says:
kidding

And then it went on about the kind of guys I liked yadda yadda. So much for Thursday afternoon eh.
I found the conversation fairly amusing.
I still like that denim skirt of mine. And yes, I'm straight.

And then I thought I'd adhere to my boring routine of friendster trawling.
I logged on. And it read: " 1 new message".

Wednesday, April 05, 2006 9:12:00 PM
Subject:
Hi, this is ***** from LAP COC
Message:
Hi Jasmine,
I'm ***** from Lim Ah Pin , well..
although we may not know each other well as i
do not have the time to chat with you but do u
mind if we may communicate via MSN?
Looking forward 2 ur reply & Hope you have a
nice vacation..

Warmest Regards,
******

My worst nightmare.
I so don't want to talk to you. You look like a cockster with the hair and your weird outfits.
Thanks but no thanks.

Again, so much for my Thursday afternoon.

Cold

2006-04-04T17:21:00.000+08:00

You, I haven't forgotten.
Is it cold there?

April it is but I don't see the cherry blossoms.
I don't see you.

Nights and days are cold.
I need you.

I've been swimming in this fishbowl.
One lost soul, I wish you were here.

Hey, just where are you?
Come home soon, would you?

I Miss It

2006-04-02T21:36:00.000+08:00

I never realised how much you meant to me till of late. I never knew you could be this important to me.
You know how i miss running my fingers so smoothly through the fretboard. How I could play some scores with my eyes closed and just let my fingers do the talking.
I'd memorise the pieces and play them by heart.
But now, i'm really really upset.

My finger will heal, won't it?
It's been almost a month and I still can't twist and contort my finger into weird positions no more. I can't run the notes as fast no more. I can't play as well no more. I can't bar my frets properly no more.
I f*cking am upset.

Now my music is shitty.
My mama says I have to give it time to heal. If so, for how long am I going to have shitty music off my fingers.

I miss it.
Its only now - i realise how important you are.

Pentas 2006

2006-03-31T23:35:00.000+08:00

I will look sexay in a Baju Kurung.

The Dating Game

2006-03-30T11:53:00.000+08:00

If you'd really like to ask a girl out, please, ask her nicely la.

A list of no-nos':
1. "When wanna jio me out?" - Uhmm....no, I don't want to go out with you.
2. "Erm....you want to watch ultra violet? or Dorm?" - Hey, since when I want to watch a movie with you la.
3. "So when wanna jio me go out? On weekends I have 1 because I have to cover duties." - Eh.....I speak English. And again, if you want to ask me out. Just ask nicely please thank you.
4. "We don't watch horror movie la. How about (fills in his own blank of list of movies available)?" - I never said I wanted to watch anything.
5. "Yay, I'm going to go out with the popular and great Jasmine" - Uh huh....I never said I was going out with you in the 1st place. What's all the excitement for? And please spare me all that crap. I don't buy stuff like those.

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything.
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in.
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty.
Because of you I am afraid.
Because of you my heart can't possibly break because it wasn't even whole to start with.

I Have Eyes

2006-03-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

Omtwthbbq

I affirm that 'Hills Have Eyes' is by far the shittiest movie I've seen this month. And by 'shittiest', I don't mean it was a lousy, waste-of-money, could have saved the money for a good lunch, kinda shit-ass movie. I meant 'shittiest'; the kind that could have you shit in your pants; the kind of movie that would really leave Jon shitting in HIS pants if he had watched the show for another hour more.

Tsk tsk.

Thanks ah, for asking me out to a shit-ass movie. I found it fairly amusing.

For a good watch - Hills Have Eyes (M18): Violence and Gore

The Star Wars Poster On Your Bedroom Wall

2006-03-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

Why do parents fight?
Because they haven't got anything better to do.

Why do parents fight?
Because they really really haven't got anything better to do.

Why do parents fight?
Because they %$&*

Courtesy

2006-03-22T16:43:00.000+08:00

This is for you Angel. You know I hardly ever do this shit.

Here's how you're supposed to play the game: the tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of how they want their perfect lover to be like.
Specify gender of the target.
Tag 8 victims to join in this game.
Leave a msg on their page saying they've been tagged.
If tagged twice, there's no need to post a second time.

Gender: Female

Characteristics:
1. She's gotta have a lot of love. This is by far the most important.
2. She's gotta be my best friend as much as my lover.
3. She's gotta be the 1st one I see when I come home. And the 1st I greet.
4. She's gotta be patient. Each time I give her a snack.
5. She's gotta be the one I give the most kisses to.
6. She's gotta be the one I share a special bond with, and no other.
7. She's gotta be my confidante.
8. She's gotta be my Bitch.

I Love You, Bitch

8 victims?
No need for that.
Love ain't a crime.

East Bound

2006-03-19T20:55:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was fun. Roller-blading with the church peeps at East Coast Park in the morning. Chillin' at Jon's place. And the night out at the Mosaic Music Festival at the Esplanade.
Nice.

So right, Jon got a call from his dad telling him of the Mosaic Music Festival at about 4ish in the afternoon.
I wanted to be there so I sorta 'rushed' home to change (since I wouldn't want to be caught in SAFTI running shorts) in a bid to make in on time for the event, and not keep everyone else waiting. I left Jon's place in Kembangan at 5.

I happily waited at Kembangan MRT station for the train to come and take me home la.
And so I boarded the train.

Next stop. Bedok.

Tanah Merah.

"Passengers travelling to Expo or Changi Airport. Please cross the platform and transfer...."

And then I took a seat. Enjoyed the scenery. Saw the Singapore Expo halls.

Next stop. Simei.

I looked at the SMRT system map.
Wondering just how long more the journey will take.

Simei?!
WTH.

I jolted from my seat and sped out of the closing train doors.
It was one of those maluating experiences.

So I got off and boarded the West-bound train. Messaged Jon and Justin to tell them I'd be late.

I tell you. I'm such a cockster (as Jon puts it).
As usual.

Green, Fat and Ugly

2006-03-14T12:04:00.000+08:00

I Know No Pain

The swelling has gone down but my finger still looks like crap, and I can't play my music properly.
Argh.

Sunday we play soccer?
I'll come home with a broken toe or something.

Bloody Ball

2006-03-12T22:20:00.000+08:00

"They call it basketball because you have to put the ball in the basket"

Its been 3 years since I last played basketball.
3 years. That was way back in 2003 when I played for the school team.
I missed the game.
The missing index-fingered coach. It was like 'f*ck you!' everytime he pointed at us for directions.
The mates.

I remember how we'd do our stretching. And I'd be staring at Seow Jiali's underwear.
Because it was hello kitty, doraemon and all.
And then I'd joke among the loves. All of whom I haven't forgotten.
How I'd cheat when we had to do speed dribbling across half court.
How I played in a 2001 match and left my blood around the court because the IJ(TP) girl was so siong.
How the event left a scar above my left eyebrow.

I remember being 1 of the 'Top 5 key-players' till better ones came along.

I've lost what I was once good at.
I need it back.

Thank you for the game and the sprained finger.
I enjoyed it.

The ball's back in my court.

Ready or Not

2006-03-11T19:43:00.000+08:00

Where did we go wrong?
Don't do this.

Kanasai la, why so sleepy?!

Playground

2006-03-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

Picture Perfect, I Don't Want It.

I miss you my nightmare.
Take a look at what we've become.
I look back at the days,
knowing that when I grow up,
my children won't play the same.

Sparks

2006-03-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

Alright, I'm here to promote SPARKS.

Click here to find out more.

I love my God.

Boredom

2006-03-03T13:34:00.000+08:00

What were you thinking?

Alrite Angel, do you remember this?
You were probably bored in some class.

Well, I am bored now. I want to go somewhere.

Photograph of the Human Condition

2006-03-01T10:42:00.000+08:00

We left each other for good, oh, so long ago. It marked what definitely qualified as one of the 'Top 5 Most Devastating' events of my life. We went our ways, I teared, I got over it.

And it's over.

It's been over for what seems like eternity, so much so that's what's left are just remnants of a time of fluctuating moods, exhilaration, melancholic hyperbole, love won and love lost.

I should be cleansed. Most times I feel cleansed. I know I've reached the point where I can look back in retrospect at all the beautiful memories and no longer quiver in an imploding vacuum of anger and frustrated anguish. Most times I feel brilliant, like a constantly renewed sentient being, boundless by chains of the heart. I feel invigorated by the changing tides, as I shift ideologies, learn about the facets of emotion, and ingest bits from the wealth of my life. Yeah, I'm different in so many ways. And most times I convince myself I'm floating.

But, by some twisted divine decree, he creeps back, insidious, silent, and most uninvitedly unexpected. A few email replies. A call out of nowhere. A sweet acknowledgement. Each time I return home from school, I pass by the pavilion. I would see ghosts, ghosts of him and me walking, laughing, cutting my birthday cake in June, crying. Or on bus 56 where I'm haunted with the memories of listening to your songs on your player, crying. And with each wave of attack, I am appalled at the vociferousness of the effect that befalls me. Somehow, no matter how subtle or minute the implication, it gets amplified and magnified. In the face of the few comings and goings of other guys in my life, he's the only one who manages to stay. These pangs of reminiscence though not often, are like potholes, each bump making me feel like I'm back full circle instead of far along the forward path I've so definitely embarked on. I feel like I'm back full circle everytime I fear sending him an email, everytime I hesitate to few his profile on friendster (which has been left unattended to in ages) in fear of some relapse, everytime I fear not getting a reply, some heartbreak that never comes.

Nah, I've moved. I've evolved. I've redirected. I've relocated. These pangs, although potent as they may still be after so long, never last. They occur at random moments, agitated by random reminders, but they never last. They're setbacks, a play of confusion, but it doesn't mean I haven't moved forward. I guess it'd go away absolutely when someone comes along to take his place. Someone who'd steal that place right under his ass and effectively evict him for good.

He. The virus that never really goes away. The recurring dream. The whacked terrorist that pulls off a suicide bomb attack just when it seemed your home was safe again.

He. The spyware that f*cks your computer up no matter how many times you wipe it off. The ghost of the menace you thought you got rid of when you pulled a trigger of an M16 in his face. The dog that never relents asking for a little bit of your chicken wing. The totalitarian government that'll never vanquish its power on its own accord.
The bane of your otherwise perfect frame of emotion.

And yet...

He.....he's the beautiful spring that follows a deserted winter. The beautiful spring that feels just as beautiful as the previous, perhaps more beautiful. The beautiful spring that reminds you of everything worth remembering.

He's my stark paradox.

But alas, I'll just stay for a moment to admire spring, and then I'll be on my way.

The Art of Pang Seh

2006-02-27T17:35:00.000+08:00

"The love between the both of you is really strong, and it is commendable having seen all that you guys have been through."

Sunday. Morning worship and Bible class. And a day out.
Had lunch with the usual church peeps at the Teochew Store off Upper Serangoon Road.
After lunch, Jon and my cousin Jeremy had to head back to the Church building for Leaders' meeting.
So my brother, his girlfriend Bernice and I waited for Jon to finish his meeting so we could go to Bugis to do some shopping with Daryl (who had admitted she went home to change after bible class because she felt she was a walking fashion disaster).
Well, we decided instead of wasting time anywhere else, we headed to Jon's house to do some slacking as I had put it.

4.30pm - Meet at the KFC across Bugis Junction.

Jon and Daryl were going to be late. So I walked around with Justin and Bernice, being the brightest lamp post of the late afternoon. It didn't suck all that bad but you know, you'd really like to leave them alone la.
I didn't.

So they finally came and....Justin and Bernice left. Like WTH la. You guys were supposed to follow us on the shopping tralala trip. You all pang seh us.
Excuses excuses.
Justin presumably didn't send Bernice home when they left at 4.30pm la. They probably went somewhere on their own tralala trip.
And how would I know?
Because at 7.30pm (3 hours from the time you left us), Justin, you wouldnt call to ask if we have had dinner. You would be home. And I'm sure you don't need 3 hours to send her home. Unless she stayed in M'sia or something.
And I interrogated him when I came back.
You numbskull.

And today. You pang seh me again to go to the gym to work out some muscles after which meet your love. Like go swimming with me la.
So never mind. I went to the pool (to swim duh), he to the gym (to work his muscles).

20 laps.

I havent swum in ages.

And yay, I didn't drown.

Long Awaited Arrival

2006-02-25T11:47:00.000+08:00

"Before you are all old and grey. Your vain attempts to complete a picture-perfect life by seeing the world before your curtains close. If the epiphany of searching for personal meaning does eventually dawn, you'd be too weary to seek answers."

Now this was something most unprecedented. A rather fresh start much earlier than I'd expected.

A clean state. Revival.

Not quite.

I'll still stick to this layout. Leave the old entries. And have you wanting for more.

This is much read. I believe.

Enjoy.

Pita

2006-02-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

Like mother like daughter they say.
I'm funny, nonsensical, or would you rather I put it in lay-man term - lame.
Some say I got it from you, others beg to differ.
And if I got it from you, then I probably got this hard-headedness from you as well.
Maybe.
All we had to do was simply get a present.
What was with that pekchekness, that keksimness, that kiampa face.
I really don't get you at times.
No wait, most times.
I was in a rather good mood. My day went well. The group got through Comn, I'm fine now.
You just had to ruin in.

So I didn't go for the birthday dinner to put away with unnecessities.
I enjoyed my beef noodles.
I couldn't have put up with you for the rest of the night had I attended the dinner.
Enjoy yourself but don't choke.

You're my pain. My grieve.

Switch Sides

2006-01-30T21:54:00.000+08:00

You know, you're just a bitch. Just as much as this life is.
1st, you side with your bitch of a mother and come ruin things at home.
You really know no respect.
Then you come during Chinese New Year, and snip my dog's hair.
And look what you've done. You snipped off not only the hair but her skin as well.
You seriously know no respect.
And you don't think you're some professional groomer. The hair cut sucks.
I love my dog very much. And you daughternuvabitch better stay away because my bite is worst than my bark.

Not that I'm born of wrath that these entries have been filled with angst of late.
But people should really mind their own businesses.
I can be really fun but you should study both my sides.
You must learn.
Like TOTALLY.

Almond cookies are the shitnitz.

Project Ang Bao

2006-01-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

A long awaited 4-day break.

I really need it.

And its going to spent typing reports. Watching the immense number of VCDs, DVDs. Visitation. Reunion meals. Collecting Ang baos. Typing reports. Running around the house. Clearing up the mess visitors make. Typing reports. Typing reports.
Like seriously, I need a 'better' life.

Seems like I wouldn't be all that la-la this Chinese New Year.

Well, I was my lalaiest when I was 6 because then the mom promised she would paint my nails if I didn't bite them. And so the nails grew and I got them painted (in bright red).

And the spring cleaning has left the house in a greater mess because I tripped over the vaccum cleaner twice.

HOLIDAY FASTER COME LAR! FASTER FASTER COME!

Don't mind the grammar.

I'm Ready

2006-01-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

You can take me on now. Because I'm #%^%&@* ready. You're so annoying. I don't really want to see you again. We're mere acquaintances, and so I really shouldn't energise this angst. Like totally.

But here's to you.

Poff.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes maybe, feelings hurt.

I need you in my confused state.

Then again, I'm not quite sure myself.

Last Night

2006-01-15T22:17:00.000+08:00

We celebrated grandma's 71st birthday last night. It was a blast!

Happy Birthday Grandma. Love you lots.

There was a lot of laughter especially when the food was laid and grandma was feeding each of us the 1st bite. 1 of the funny thing that happened was when she was feeding us and then my cousin 1 of the photographers (I was the other one) was like not ready and all, so we had to keep re-playing the shots. Like re-eat. Then it was my turn to be fed, and being stupidly funny me, I already had the drumlet in my mouth, when my cousin exclaimed she hadn't gotten a shot. So I said, "Po-Po (how I affectionately call my grandma), replay, replay, ba ji fang hui qu."

NOT LOST IN TRANSLATION: " Grandma, replay, replay, put the chicken back." So I was like trying to stick my saliva contaminated chicken drumlet back onto her fork.

And yes, everybody broke out.

Oh well,

The cake was awesome. Sinfully delicious.

Freaky Friday

2006-01-13T14:23:00.000+08:00

Your morning could never get any better when you know you'd have to wait 6 hours just to attend a project meeting that could probably take less than an hour. But, that's just the way school is, isn't it?
And to spoil the morning further, someone tries to hook you up in the worst place at the worst time - at a bus stop along bedok reservoir at 7.50am. Ruffled hair, scruffy jeans, thick jacket. If I were a guy, I would really think twice.
And Mr., try using a better pick-up line. Yours happened to be the worst I've heard so far.
"Do you have a watch or something?"
Like WTF.
Ah no, and what are you going to do?
But too bad for me, I had a 'watch or something', so I could tell you the time.
So you start asking me what Diploma I was taking. Yadda yadda.
Till 69 came and saved my life for a few minutes (the journey from the bus stop to school).
And you somehow remind me of Q when you unbelievably waited for me to get down the bus at the school bus stop. And oh, your "Can we be friends?" was not too soft, I was just acting blur, thinking I could get myself out of the situation.
Yeah, right.
So you wanted to exchange numbers and be my friend.
I said, "Why don't you give me your number instead.
Well, he can't do anything right. Never seen a worst idiot.
I don't favour such pick-ups. I would probably be just another of your collectibles. On your phonebook or maybe even friendster (but hallelujah, you don't have my email address).
And Mr., your're annoying because you could use better conversational skills.
Me: "And why do you want to be my friend?"
Freaky guy: " So that if I have any food questions......I can ask you."
WTH. Ah, too bad for you lar. You can't.
And for my dear readers, if you really want to know who he was.
He was some guy who looked more dowdy and weird than I look. And besides Science students, the next worse dressers hail from School of Engineering.
Diploma of Mechatronics.
I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Goodbye Friday.

Conjure A Sweet Heartbreak

2006-01-11T22:02:00.000+08:00

I absolutely f**king love my high school days

And no, I wasn't drunk.

Away From You

2006-01-10T22:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you just want to stab yourself in the heart when you can't do much to save yourself.
Sometimes you question 'why?'.
Sometimes you don't want to give the issue too much thought.
Sometimes you just can't resist the temptation when both of you live miles apart.
Sometimes you can't devote yourself for a cause.

At times your friends tease you.
At times your friends support you.
At times your friends save you from the obscene.
At times your friends make you feel empty.
At times your friends tempt you.

Perhaps everything is so blurry.
Perhaps everything is so unclean.
Perhaps everything is so predictable you know what to say.
Perhaps everything is so burdensome you want to give it up.
Perhaps everything is so uncomfortable, there is no sanctuary.

Through my eyes you see a prisoner of fate.
Through my eyes you see a flaming passion and desire.
Through my eyes you see that its not all about us anymore.
Through my eyes you see that I'm learning to breathe again.
Through my eyes you see I'm falling away from you.

I'll soon be at your mercy.

Butterflies and Hurricanes

2006-01-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

This tops it all off. The weekend.

It hasn't rained like this in awhile. I love the weather but somehow made the mood of a certain person rather gloomy - spoiling my day.
You know, you are really stuck up. And sometimes the things you say and the action of your words kill me inside. If my silence could paint a picture, it would be of me holding you down at gun-point.

So okay being all pissy I had lunch at Subway, and a few rounds of pool with the friends. It sure made life a little better the rest of the afternoon. Nothing beats the laughter we never fail to share, finding a way through adversity.

This weekend just can't possibly get any worse.

FINALLY 15

2006-01-01T18:18:00.000+08:00

Its the time of the year again.
Festive period of much gifts, greeting cards, well-wishes, and a couple of hugs and handshakes.
No, not new year.

This birthday was rather special.
In fact I think its going to be the best birthday I've had so far.
I could walk to the nearest convenience store to grab myself a Malboro and a Vodka or two.
Legally this time.

I look at my life today and its been alright.
I'm okay, and I see the world in a better way.
I have all these dreams and they're all taking to reality.
Yeah, right.

So I decided to come up with a couple of New Year's Resolutions (I hate and don't see the point because I'd just break it the next day).
But for the fun of it yeah.

1. I'm going to complete all my polytechnic modules, and graduate in 2010 with all the right attitude I've Oh-so put into my studies all this while. And maybe a GPA of 4.1 ( for the extra sucking up to teachers).

2. Try (not) to poke fun at anyone or rather everyone because it does pay to be unkind. The friends just love it. And its not like I havent done it before. Now try me.

3. Not hit on every guy who chats to me online, and then con myself into thinking he likes me, or get all dreamy about how beautiful our future would be together.

4. Take myself more seriously. This I find it hard to do because I was born without that gene. I'm serious only when my DNA screws up on me.
Well, to start off the new year, if you're sick of my jokes, please, throw me in the blender with a couple of 'SERIOUS' pills.
Remember to turn it on. Full speed.

5. Get a makeover. I wanna be glamourpuss. And be like so sizzling hot and sexay. Shashay down the runaway in a modelling shot, in my 6 feet silouhettes (which are the only things that kill the most). I could start by getting a shaver for the armpits.
Mommy look! I'm on my way to stardom.

6. Stop eating junk food because I have plans to lose some weight by the end of last year. I'm just kidding. My dad needs it more.

7. No more money wastage on shoes, bags and clothes because I have enough. Yes, I do.
But technically, I don't really waste the money because I treat the goods like gems.

8-10. Shut up and not go on typing the night away.

Merry !%@*#& New Year To All Of You.

Ciao.

Breaking the Habit

2005-12-29T22:19:00.000+08:00

Part 1

Within a span of 3 days, almost $60 'vanished' from my little black wallet. Its been a long time I spent this much in less than a week.
There was the movie and Nachos, Big Breakfast, Sentosa admission, esprit from coffee bean by the Calsberg Sky Tower, Mee Goreng, the T-shirt, and a Sausage mcmuffin.
And I'm going to give my mother a My-Birthday-Lunch-or-Dinner-Treat. So that'd cost me quite a sum as well.

Die lah.

Birthday WANTS:
1 . THE CONVERSE SHOE which I will probably kill my dad to get his insurance to pay for
- But The mom has a lot of complains when I buy a new pair to add to my huge collection of shoes because i'm Imelda Marcos II
- And if you know my childhood story of how I had the habit of trying on everybody's shoes whenever my mom brought me to a gathering at her friend's or colleague house, you would think twice about getting me another pair which could make me a bigger shoe nut
- Oh, I don't go around wearing people's shoes anymore

2. THE WALLET i've been eyeing for a long time. Its small, not fancy, and fits my palm just nice
- It has a coin compartment
- Its more of a "need-want" than a "want" itself

3. AN AIR TICKET to fly across a few thousand miles to be with a special someone
- I need time and money for that eh
- You still mean a lot

4. SOMETHING OLD SCHOOL i can bug everyone with
- I like my haversack okay.....it isn't the Q-ultimate
- There's nothing wrong with "Old School"

5. YOU to come celebrate the Birthday
- Although growing up isnt all that fun after all
- And I would be able to buy a Malboro and a Vodka or 2 from the nearby convenience store.

Calendar

2005-12-23T23:46:00.000+08:00

24th December - Dinner at the cousins'

The christmas week - Project report, party, party, party, and go eat the briyani at Hameed's Restaurant (JB) [by far the most delicious briyani ever]

1st January - Worship, thanksgiving, then maybe a date or 2 (seriously not keen on the JCOC thing, just say ok only)

2nd January - sulk at having to return to school the next day but seize every opportunity to have fun

3rd January - @$^!#$&

Sacrificed Without a Fight

2005-12-18T17:42:00.000+08:00

What lies beyond and where do we go when we die?

I was safe in the light that surrounded me. Free of the fear and the pain.
My questioning mind has helped me to find that you are really gone. You were so real.
It's perfectly clear I've found out what everything truly means. I've pieced them all up like the set of jigsaw puzzle up in the old cupboard.
I used to be frightened of death but am not anymore. Because today, a part of me died.
You're so far away. Sometimes I feel like giving up.
I'm tired. Somehow, it wasn't worth all the memories.
I'll be gone this day. And when you return, you might never know me.
Then, move on, and be brave. Don't weep at my grave with ashes in your hands.

All I wanted to do was wait. But it seems that light has dissisipated.

"Nothing lies beyond. And when we die, we just live another day."

On random

2005-12-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

So small ah the photo.

This Putrid Mix

2005-12-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

I wish S'pore would just snow.
It's so friggin' hot - this weather.
And its supposed to be the monsoon season, or so we thought.

Anyhow,

seasons greetings from the heart

Early morning - Go to Sleep

2005-12-16T09:44:00.000+08:00

Early this morning. I woke up at 6am intending to attend the PBPN lecture at 8am and then study during the 3 hr break - from 9-12noon.
But my lazy ass just refused to get outta bed. So I slept on......with the alarm set to 7.
*BrInG........BRiNg.........* (added sound effects)
I woke up again this time, but was still just as tired. So I set the alarm to 8, and went back to sleep.
This went on till I FINALLY decided to wakey at 9.

I woke up at hourly intervals the morning. My mom thought it annoying. With the alarm ringing and all. She was like, " You pontang class ah! You want to sleep just set the alarm to 9 lar. More shiok to sleep all the way than to set the alarm like that right."
No comments mom.

The Shitnitz

2005-12-10T23:57:00.000+08:00

The worst thing I could wake up to early this morning, was to find out that topic 3 of comn was no longer posted on blackboard.
And the nicest thing? There's a quiz on Monday during tutorial. Mind-popping quiz.
Yes, on topic 3.
Its so beautiful, aint it?
And then I desperately refresh the page hoping that there was just some error, I can't view the file. Yah right.
So meanwhile, I again desperately send smses to friends who take the subject, instant messages to those online, but to no avail. Because everyone else had been so Smart-Alecky, they printed theirs way before.
And the 1 thing I should slap myself for, is that i happily gave all my printing paper to Man Kit to print the notes just the other day in the computer lab.
Mei Xi would just die laughing if she heard of this. And boy, would the rumour blow up.
I was just being nice okay.

And its times like these, I can really count on my friends.
Angel offered to photocopy a set, and meet up somewhere. Evan offered likewise, and wanted to come all the way to J8 to hand me a copy (saying her house was not that far), Asmah....to have to always put her to all the trouble, like Angel, offered to photocopy a set, and meet up, but is no w scanning me the whole 14-page.
I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.

And so this was the really 'eventful' Saturday.
but like you know, shit happens.

Sweetcide

2005-12-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

It isn't exactly sweet - this suicide.
Everything's in its hustle and bustle. Papers are everywhere. Dozens of Msn windows are blinking on the computer screen. Trillions of research sites are open.
I couldn't have a worst semester.
So need a lifeline.

I need retail therapy. Anyone?

In Word and Deed. With Purpose and Determination

2005-12-03T01:22:00.000+08:00

As I received my secondary posting that fateful day after the results of the PSLE examinations were released. I knew it was going to be something bad. Well, what could I expect from a score of 218?
BRADDELL-WESTLAKE SECONDARY SCHOOL.
Printed in bold on a sheet I never really gave much thought to, the school was not in any of my choices. Not knowing where the school was didn't help much either. I vividly remember my 1st and 2nd choices to be CHIJ (Toa Payoh), and Kuo Chuan Presbyterian. I never got any of the schools of choice. Not even Beatty. I even tried appealing to IJ toa payoh but to no avail.
I then decided to go with the posting, and was soon enrolled in Secondary 1E1, year 2000. We were the pioneering batch. Looking back, it seemed like 4 years of secondary school life took place just yesterday.
I was a little apprehensive in the beginning, but I soon grew to be much stronger and capable each time.
I must say that secondary 3 and 4 were the best years of secondary school. I met Pramod in Sec 3 during the Thailand trip, made friends and bonds that have gone a long way, and are by far the most understanding. Having been through so much together, we sure know what "Stick it in the mud" really means.
The friends who would last me this lifetime, and whom I know can be depended upon.
To Bernadet, Kit Wei, Raynuka, and Kumari and the rest of the class. I love you guys.
Teachers who have inculcated values in us, taught us, joked with us, and simply guiding us each step of the way. It really is good to know that they too made an impact in my life.
To Ms Shamsudin, Mr Shahul, and Ms Chan, Mrs Teo etc. Like hot favourites ah.
I never really understood what Ms 'elderly' Chan taught about during Chemistry. Got a B3 for the prelims, a D7 in the O-levels but yet manage fairly well for chemistry subjects in poly. I'm sure secondary school was just a stepping stone.

Today's farewell dinner wasn't all the emo but still I question. "When will we meet again?"

When we received news in our last year (2003), about the merger with Guangyang in 2006, we were disappointed. Every heart was saddened at the thought of closing down our now, alma mater. However, we knew that ultimately the frienships we forged would keep us going despite the demolition of the location we built them in and upon.

I have no regret whatsoever. Although within I feel a sense of guilt for not having treasured a certain few.

Nothing changes. You gave reason, you gave purpose - you gave drive.

Anyone could take away Braddell-Westlake Secondary School but they cannot take the Bradell-Westlake Secondary School out of me.

Memories play back in my mind, like a tape on rewind.
Forever this will be.

Topeng

2005-11-28T23:29:00.000+08:00

2 meanings.
Topeng in Malay means masks.
To-peng in Hokkien or whatever dialect (you correct me there), means opposite/the other way round.

Arts appreciation.....i tell you....is a very very nonsensical subject.
I roped in my mother to help me with the task of mask-making.
*Yes jon, take advantage of mommy. ahaha*
We struggled with, twisted and tugged at the disgusting plaster mould.
And the result was a weird looking thang.
=/

On the other hand, I am unfortunately looking forward to the 2nd part of the subject, which would only take place after term break.
You see.......its the drama part.
Nuff' said.

Angel, this entry is for you lar. I know you miss me too much you had to tag, to see where I was.
Tsk tsk.
Go do your write-up.

A Proposal

2005-11-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

And so i'm done with FPQAP.
Took us 3 weeks to complete this freakin' proposal, of which the 3rd week was the most hectic.
This is already so crazy. I don't wish to think of the portfolio.

And these lecturers.....wonder what's up with their brains. Make us do Achar Timun. Like we can find shit on the internet about that food product. And its like the malay-malay pickled cucumbers, not the westernized version.
So like damn screwed up lar.
And its freakin' cucumbers. I no likey.

Smash Hits

2005-11-21T19:29:00.000+08:00

I'm always amused during Csas classes on Mondays. It isn't exactly the crazy antics of my classmates, but more so my teacher.
You see, her nose is senget to the right. And its pretty obvious.
I never noticed it, till Csas lesson the 1st time around became uber boring, and I started paying attention to other details, in this instance, her nose.
Her face could have been the victim of a langgar lorry freak accident.
Or it could have been a botched nose job.
Maybe she was a ex-muay thai boxer, and her senget nose was the result of all the smashing.
I have nose idea.

Photograph

2005-11-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

I don't know if anything I say or do would make things better. Indeed it has been a long while. I'm not supposed to write all these mails to you but I can't help myself. And if there's one thing I must blame. It would be my heart.
I keep a photograph of you inside my purse. Something so indispensable to me. I still have the memory of you going through the transit door. It was hard to say it then, it still is, and forever will be.

Goodbye.

I remember our last outing at the mall. How we blew our dollars at the arcade, listened to your songs on the player, the bus ride home that night, the unforgettable belated birthday, and all you ever did for me.
I can't erase it. Nothing else can replace it.
You said that time flies when you're experiencing the best of times. It does.
And if I could relive those days, I know there's one thing I would never change.

I've found the photo of you I was looking for.
And everytime I look at it, just makes everything too hard for me to leave.
As the years go by, we grow old and grey, and all I ever need is for you to stay.
I can't get used to living here.
Till you come home someday.

Salonpas

2005-11-20T17:13:00.000+08:00

I need medicated plasters.
Urgently.

The back is hurting. Killing. Aching.
And I'm scared I might just lose mobility
because I had a back problem once.
Thanks to OBS many years back.

I been fine.

I wonder what's causing all these pain.
I haven't been exercising any trigger happy back-breaking stunts.
Did contort myself into a yoga-fied position recently but I don't see what could have gone wrong there because I've always done it.
I did 2 backwards somersaults last week....

Maybe the latter huh!
The back's a bitch.

On another note, I really need a good joke.
I miss hearing one.
Or see someone do something silly.
I know I can easily come up with one
but that won't be fun anymore.
So please, entertain me.

Hear Anything?

2005-11-19T21:27:00.000+08:00

The phone is okay already.
You would be able to hear me now when I talk.

I wouldn't have to go on screaming.
Though it wasn't of much help.

I don't think I'll sell this phone
because it holds too much stuff.
Memories if you'd call them.

He's not around anymore.
And this is what's left.
I miss you now.

Do you hear me?

A Bottle With A Genie In It

2005-11-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

FPQAP - 5 members
COMN - 5 members
CSAS - 6 members
ADFS - 4 +1 members

To make things worse, they're all different people.
The other day, I mixed up this girl in my csas group for something else.
I so need a genie in a bottle, give me some wishes, encumber some of this projek mania.

I have to send out tons of smses.
Receive tons of smses.
Miss gillbillmilions of calls (because I'm always in a class and everyone is frantically trying to get me on my mobile).
Receive calls and not hear the person on the line ( because everyone and everything is so screwed up).

I'm not even the group leader for projek groups, apart from FPQAP, but its seems I am for all.
I have to print the notes. Organise the meetings. Send out the invitations. Check on my little chicks to see if they're doing fine with research. Go around hunting for research materials from other groups. Beg you for active participation.

I don't know my shit. Do you know yours?

February is here. I see it.
Right.
On the calendar.

Sometimes, only the lunatics are truely sane.

When Day Turns Into Night

2005-11-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

The journey was extremely long that first day of school.
She no longer took the buses she did.
It was so cold.

She saw a familiar face that day.
They exchanged smiles - that was it.
She knew how the first day of school would be.
And soon....the rest of the semester.
It got harder each time.
Each day.

She sat 3 rows away from the rear of the bus.
She looked out of the window, where the sun came in and shone some pretty hardcore super solid looking rays.
It burned her cool and collected state.

With no makeup, you would have been able to see her tears trickle and wet her less than freckled complexion.
She was fidgeting in her seat.
It seemed now her only companion to and from school would be her mp3 player.
The songs within telling many stories.

She removed her earphones and bowed down.
Her hands tightly clapsed.
Maybe a prayer helped calm her nerves.
Perhaps some form of answer she drew from The Almighty.
A lifeline?

She hated to say goodbye.
What you feel, she feels inside.
When the day turns into night.

It was a tired afternoon,
and she did not like the fact they were not there.
She needed to be strong.

It was in her eyes.
Losing them would prove too much to take.

Down To My Last

2005-11-09T14:07:00.000+08:00

This is probably overdue, but due nonetheless.

I've always wanted to get this done but i guess the only reason I haven't or didn't was because I didn't know just where to start.

I am not pulling a bob the builder stunt, i'm just doing what I must - willingly.
I am sorry and I extend this apology to you because I don't know what else to say or do.
We've been friends for awhile but sometimes........you're just annoying. At times you should shut up and be aware of the insensitivity you tend to hurt others with.

I don't know if this expression would bring to you any form of understanding.
but it's time you realise.

Words are Weapons

2005-11-06T20:03:00.000+08:00

This is the night before another semester.
And the time table don't look all that pretty.
Asmah's not in any of my classes. Angel's in only 1 pathetic biochem lab.
Irfan? I have no idea where he is.
But its alright. You people would still get to see my pretty face during lectures.
And please bring sweets.

On a heavier note, I am honestly disappointed. For we have spent countless of hours together in previous semesters. The lunches, projects, assignments, classes, labs, breaks, and simply not doing anything.
It has been 'bout a year and a half, and I really like being with you guys (which includes the rest of the class).

I was telling the mother how I would miss Asmah so much ( I can imagine her head the size of a watermelon).
An everyday conversation in the classroom would go like this.

Me: Asmah! Got foolscap?
*You'd hear her start ripping off pieces*
Asmah: NAH. *Hands me foolscap*

Or in the lecture theatre...

Me: Asmah! Got sweet?/calculator?
*She'll start digging into her tote bag*
Asmah:NAH. *Hands me whatever I asked for*

And Asmah will ever so kindly collect my worksheets, assignments, whatever...and hand them to me.

And how you can hear me 'screaming' for the location of the classroom, and Asmah would be looking at her yellow file (or is it some other colour now).

She's like my Personal Assistant (no wait, the 3 of us share her).

Will miss annoying you.

Haiyah.

maybe someday again

Eve

2005-11-02T23:56:00.000+08:00

It's a wednesday and I've once again managed to sleep the morning away.

I somehow wish this holiday to never end.
Yes, I contradict myself at times.
I was dying to go back to school, and not be a couch tomato (sic),
but I want this life now.

People have been ringing me out on dates. And this week, this last week of the holidays could not have been more packed with activities.

I enjoyed waking up to the slow rush of the morning. Took my own sweet time to get out of bed. Got out of it and realised both toilets were occupied. So I sat at the computer table with morning breath, and started the day with a game of bloomin' gardens. Still very much hooked onto the game.
Came noon and I was still stranded at the computer seat with morning breath, a heavy bladder, and shit from last night's lunch cum dinner cum supper.

Then finally the younger brother came out and I was....exuberated.
Only to find out that I left my toiletries in the master toilet.

Came 1 and I made my way to the Mcdonald's along St 13. Dug into my oh-so-very-happy value meal, and proceeded to do the survey for A-Shan.
Read a portion of a book. And then got dressed to meet the gang. Inclusive of Amos, Daryl, Liesl, Louis, Rui Shan, Rhui Yin, Uncle mike, and Auntie kwee eng. I missed you Charmaine.

We caught The Legend of Zorro, had dinner at the foodcourt, and made our way back.

I realize. It's almost midnight. I'm still not in my PJs.

The evening would have been better if you were there.
This is wednesday - for me.

Come Thursday.....I will wake up....
...if it would be so.

Primary 4D

2005-10-29T23:10:00.000+08:00

Remember 2 entries ago I wrote about meeting a poly schoolmate around the neighbourhood?
Well, yesterday I met a former classmate. Class of 1997. Primary 4D.

It definitely is embarrassing when someone comes up to you, taps you on the shoulder and says, "Hey, do you remember me?" and you just stare blanky at the person. It would be much worse when your ability to remember names is comparable to that of a goldfish.

I was at a fair at the atrium of Takashimaya yesterday, when I walked up to my mother who was looking at some shoes. Then all of a sudden, I got a tap on my shoulder, shifting my head to the direction it came from.
She looked awfully familiar.

"Er!" I sorta exclaimed.

Then there was a momentary pause because we were trying to figure out each other's names.

"Jasmine right! Remember me?" she said way too enthusiastically.

I stood there with a blank stare. Buying that precious little time to place a name to the face.
And then I decided to cheat. I stole a look at her name tag, she being a sales assistant at the fair.

"Uhh...." I stuttered.

And then started scratching my forehead, looking slightly animated.

So sorry darling, I remembered who you were but in my defence, it really has been a long time since I last saw you. 6 years, excluding p5 and 6 ( where we weren't in the same class).

"Yan xi" she saved me from further guessing of names.

"ahaha...yeah, I remember you. Primary 4 eh?" I replied and then took a look at her name tag.

'Tan Yan Xi'

We then broke into smiles and bade each other farewell, after exchanging a couple of how-do-you-dos.

I'm so lousy at these.
Yes, I know.

Apa Ini

2005-10-25T22:10:00.000+08:00

The mom and I went to JB again, after much deliberate delay the past few weeks.
Basically, another round of shopping.

We made our way to Plaza Pelangi by teksi. Rm7.
It was very much a wasted trip because not only was the place uluated, there wasn't much to see. And I thought I did my homework - researching on the mega malls, departmental stores, shopping komplexes etc. Well, Plaza Pelangi seemed the most appealing, and I chose the place over Komplex Lien Hoe (The Store, Taman Sentosa).
Not.

Anyhow, this is a note to Singaporean suakus and those who decide to do their shopping in JB. Its best you guys stick to Johor Bahru City Square. Its about a 5 minit walk from the JB checkpoint. They have plenty of stuff there. I've been there thrice, and still not sick of it.

The food around the area and within the shopping mall is also yummilicious.
My best recommendation: Restoran Hameed (level 3, JB city square)
The beef rendang, briyani, kambing curry, teh......sedap

And the best time to go is NOW. With all the Deepavali and Hari Raya Puasa celebrations just around the corner, its no doubt you'd be able to get a good bargain or cheap buy. And the pasar malams in Singapore are nowhere compared to those you find across the causeway, especially during this festive season.

On another note, it somehow seems stupidly annoying when you can't speak their 1st language - Bahasa Melayu.
Ask for help in a retail outlet, you get responses in bahasa melayu.
I asked for directions in English, I got some phrases in bahasa melayu, it felt like the guy was cursing and swearing at me.
Browse through some clothing at a shop, the salesperson walks up to you and starts rattling away in bahasa melayu, when all i wished was to be left alone.

You get the drift.

The mom suggested picking up some simple malay vocabulary. Her suggestions were: Numbers 1-10, in/out. Wow mom, and we'll find our way around! The guy at the pasar malam would understand I'm trying to ask for my size, figure out what the lady at the food store was trying to say, i'd get the canned ice lemon tea instead of some awful ice lime tea.....

No offence, but sometimes I just feel like screaming in their faces.

"SAYA TAK FAHAM!"

Oh oh, I saw this really funny sign on the escalator in City Square.

Wtf

I was telling the mom how the ladies would have to start removing their heels before taking the escalator - it'd be a funny sight.

Hey!

2005-10-20T16:19:00.000+08:00

It's always nice to meet a friend on the streets, but at the same time embarrassing when you have no idea how to bring the conversation to another level after 'hey hello'.

I was on my way to the Bishan MRT station when I saw a couple walking towards my direction. I cast a glance at the girl, and continued minding my own business. She somehow looked damn familiar but I wasn't too sure if I got the right person, so I just brushed her off.

Then, split seconds after we crossed each other's paths, I was greeted enthusiastically - from the back.

"Hey! Aren't you?" the girl asked trying to hide the slightest of impolite curiosity.

"Yes, I am." I replied - how dumb can my replies get.

"Siti Hajar?" - so much for familiarity.

"You stay here?" she asked (pointing towards the block of HDB flats).

"Yeah, inside" I said with the least of interest (pointing in the same direction).

"Oh I see."

*smiles*

"ahaha...bye" - Me

I was so thankful I wasn't in my PJs.
Walking to the coffeeshop, NTUC and around the neighbourhood in my PJs, is a common practice of mine.
I should change - both ways.

A Song for a Special Someone

2005-10-19T10:34:00.000+08:00

I walked around my good intentions

And found that there were none

I blame my father for the wasted years

We hardly talked

I never thought I would forget this hate

Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And if I don't make it

Know that I've loved you all along

Just like sunny days that

We ignore because

We're all dumb and jaded

And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

I walked around my room

Not thinking

Sinking in this box

I blame myself for being too much like somebody else

I never thought that I'd just bend this way

Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And if I don't make it

Know that I loved you all along

Just like sunny days that

We ignore because

We're all dumb and jaded

And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

If I don't make it

Know that I loved you all along

Just like sunny days thatWe ignore because

We're all dumb and jaded

And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong

And if I don't make it

Know that I loved you all along

Just like sunny days that

We ignore because

We're all dumb and jaded

And I hope to God I figure out...

When you called last night, I really appreciated it. I miss you, and I still do. I hope to see you soon. you take care over there. loved you all along..

The Last Supper

2005-10-15T15:33:00.000+08:00

CAUTION: The following entry may cause certain craving or a sudden urge to get up from your computer seat to ransack your kitchen cupboard. Therefore, if you wish to experience none of the mentioned, read no further.

Nails for breakfast, and twisties for snacks

Sins not tragedies

The love

I warned you.

Mocking Bird

2005-10-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

Somehow it can get pretty annoying when you have a little brother.
Probably some of you know how the 3 of us share 2 computers in the guys' room. And while Ben is far away right now, I get to use it for as long as I want. I enjoy the mornings and afternoons when the little brother is away at school because then we do not compete for who-can-blast-speakers-louder.

So in the evenings and at night (when he is home), there is fierce competition.

And he has the stupid idea of mastering the lyrics of the songs that he plays on repeat mode.

The most annoying so far, are the blasting raps. And if you were wondering, yes, he raps along. Big fan of eminem he sure is.

Leave me alone.

Restoran Hameed

2005-10-10T20:12:00.000+08:00

So I was supposed to go to JB today but I didn't. Was too tired you see...
I was tossing and turning in bed till about 9.30am (whether to go or not), when I finally decided to get up, and go to JB. But I told mom I was too tired. And then I got my lazy ass to the sofa, and continued my beauty sleep till 12.30pm.
Well done.

So we didn't go to JB, to eat delicious food. Drown ourselves in shopping bags. Ache all over. And be on the verge of dying from exhaustion.
Instead, we went to Mustafa centre. And spent $100+ on shirts and pants for the dad. And the both of us aching all over. Even more.
WTH.

And for the 1st time in my entire life, mom asked if I wanted to catch a movie (when she doesn't even watch TV. Doesn't know how to use the remote control. Thinks movies are a waste of money) She sure is going nuts. And this afternoon before we left home, she asked if I wanted to bring my music books just in case we were late. I was like, " Huh?! ". My music classes are on Fridays you see. And today is a Monday. And just now she wanted to alight at Somerset, when we were supposed to alight at Dhoby Ghaut. What's more, she was overly excited when we were choosing shirts for the dad.
Like, " Ah there! This one! Ah there! How bout' this?! There! There! Ah Jas! Here still have! That one! This color! No! That one! Where are the shirts?! Where did you put them?! Ah there there there! 17 1/2! 17 1/2! This color!" and so on...

You can imagine 1 mad woman in a departmental store. And her kid drowned in.......shirts.

Uh huh

Probably all she thinks of now is SHOPPING.

Mom, you're going to be all right, aren't you?

Malaysia

2005-10-04T22:50:00.000+08:00

Okay. I need directions.

How do I get from city square (Johor Bahru), to Plaza Pelangi, and then to The Store ( in Taman Sentosa), and then to Holiday Plaza? Or whichever is nearer.

I'm going to drown myself in shopping bags.

Many.

Its a call for sin.

Uh huh.

I was there yesterday, and I will be again.

Children's Day

2005-10-02T21:15:00.000+08:00

Children's Day was spent at East Coast Park with the blading regulars.
And this is the result of tumpang-ing on the back of the 2-seater bicycle Ruishan and her mom were on.
As you can see, its a mini abrasion, thanks to the wheel of the bike - which was probably rotating like uber fast.

I sew myself open

To Our Dearest

2005-09-29T12:46:00.000+08:00

Irfan, this post is especially meant for you.
I'll emo the hell out of you.

For the guy who sits next to me,
He makes me laugh magically.
In all bouts of insanity,
a good friend he is to me.

Aside from dwelling too much on how you faired during the semestral examinations, and from how your mother mengamuk that you failed NLS. You know you can make it if you just do your best lar. For that I'm sure.
Its basically about bottling and shelving all your regrets. Getting back to your senses. Trying again. And laughing at how you used to be.

Okay?

I'll still see you around school.

In Need of a Reset

2005-09-27T21:35:00.000+08:00

I woke up at a quarter to noon. Checked the time on the handphone, and then reached for my music player. Played your songs on repeat.
And then I got out of bed because mom came in.
I was to clean the whole house thoroughly and change the bedsheets for $20.
Good deal.

The house was really quiet till I turned on the radio.

I began with wiping surfaces, cleaning the lamps, the glass doors, the shelves, ledges.......
till I came to the area where all the family photos, photos of mom, dad, ben, justin and I, were laid. I remember wiping them with the orange cloth, holding each frame ever so gently. And I realized how much I missed every single stage of being a child.
Somehow I wished I could take a walk down memory lane with someone. A special someone. And tell of how wonderful the places in those photographs were.

Then I saw the photograph of the Chinese New Year I had my nails first painted in an awful red. Well, mom promised me then that if I wanted to have my nails painted during new year, I would have to stop biting my nails. And so I did.

I saw a passport-sized photo of dad in retro youth. And it bears such a similar resemblance to Ben.

I saw the family photo we took ages ago on the couch, and I still clearly remember the moment. It seemed like we posed for the shot yesterday.

And then there were those beautiful places that I may never come to see again.

I see all these people and all these faces. Of mom, of dad, of Ben, of Justin, and I thought to myself that God was very fair to have given me these people to live with, these places to be in, and the distance I've crossed, to make me the person I am today.

.....but, as I so carefully placed the frames back into place I just cannot help wondering why I still feel in need of a reset.
I've had some good memories, and I want to live them again.
I've had some bad ones too, and.........

Maybe its not the past, nor the memories - but what I'm growing more and more afraid of to come in the future.

Strangely enough, I am afraid.

- Memories made of steel -

I Can No Longer Hide

2005-09-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

Its been a long day this Sunday. I'm in the bedroom, after a really long shower. The sweat and smell. A putrid mix.

However, I know deep inside of me, whatever the condition; I won't and I can't stop thinking of you. I wish you could see me now. How proud I am - of you. I'm somehow so strong, so rock solid, rambo ready, yet so hollow inside.

I'm ashamed when i check myself in the mirror. This portrait of self-denial and cheeky menace. Somehow I feel utterly demoralized each time. Although I face life with all certainty, pride, courage...... gone on and on, I just crumble at the thought and fact that I would never be the one to hold you.

I've kept my feelings aside. And now know that........I miss you.
But it'd go nowhere.
It's just not possible - for us.
And I do not wish to make things worse.
Not for you, not for myself.

I somehow dread this long holiday. I think of you. Much more.
There's so much free time and you just cloud everything.

I don't really know what's bothering me. Maybe it's your absence. I don't see you as often during the week. Well, only once.
But it seems like I've lost you - forever.
I was losing grip, then I lost it completely.

Imagine
First person perspective of someone holding on to you, legs dangling off the edge of a cliff.
Imagine then
You wake up to realize. You were the one falling.
Well, I feel just like that. And its awful.
Suicide of the heart - to let go.

Songs pop into my head at random, and I start singing and humming their tunes, and then they hit the choruses..........and I realize their your songs.

The gasoline in my head kills my quiet world.
Something tried to burn me inside.
Somehow my hands are broken,
my knees torn.
I'm tired.

Dying, this love killed me.
Gone quietly
Gone completely
This painful cold reminder
what this love
was never meant to be.

And I thought
that this was so right.

At random

2005-09-23T22:31:00.000+08:00

Homeward Bound

The Maid

2005-09-21T22:27:00.000+08:00

Coming Soon........to homes

Charity

2005-09-21T18:57:00.000+08:00

So I thought I'll happily settle for a job.
Waste some time on it.
And get some good moolah.

Roadshow indeed.

And what did I get when I went for the 'job orientation' today?

A freaking walk around Geylang Serai. And that annoying market.

And we walked in and around it 3 F times.

Like people are so busy and all. You go there to charity-charity.

The fishmongers were smashing their fishes up, the pakcik was gorenging his pisang.

You go there and ka-chiau.

Use you brains (like it is even there).

That freakin' Nurul girl sure loved her job.

Nurul Baby Doll. WTF?

They were 'selling' postcards going at $5. For some Just Parenting Association (JPA).

Non-profit organization to help child parenting. yadda yadda.

It IS charity. And you keep 10%. Not all the money goes to the organization.

And true, its easier to get money from the men (which includes pakciks, male cleaners, cheekos, teekos).

So stop emphasizing you get it a ton easier from the men.

Like seriously, get a life.

You cheated me. And you wasted my f*ckin time.

Roadshow, my backside (though its barely there).

So next time people.....

Just walk off if you don't want to carry on.

I'm glad I did.

The End

2005-09-20T17:24:00.000+08:00

This would most probably be the last time i'll be at the computer so often (during this vacation).
Freedom never tasted this good.
I'm off to see the wizard.
He got me a job.
And so, wish me good.

And results would be out on the 24th.
Wish me the better.

I'm on my own.
Again.
See you all soon =)

When will you come on again? I miss you.

Why do I have your songs on repeat. Why do you look at me like you have so many things to say. Why do you smile the way you do.

Why didn't we have much to say.

Why do I feel the the way I do when I see you.

.....why do I miss you already.

So many questions running through all at once - I just don't have the answers to them all. I don't even understand these questions and I just don't have the power to answer them all - not at least now. I don't want to let go and I don't want to have you go away.

But I don't hold the answers.

I just don't want to miss you tonight.

.....i don't want you to end.

He makes me sad